T.G.I. Friday’s

I know what your thinking, why the hell is the Denver Food Snob at TGI Friday's? Occasionally you find yourself in an office situation where a group of colleagues drag you to a horrible chain restaurant known not for its food but for the iconic appearances it makes in our movies. How much flair do you wear?

Yes, occasionally you find yourself in these situations not by choice but more of a strategy of keeping friends and participating in major society. Of course, as a known food snob in the office, someone in the group will ask "What if you were totally surprised and it was awesome?". Everyone knows you can't slap tomato sauce on cardboard and expect a pizza. The same applies in an industry known for using sub-par processed ingredients. The chances of a great tasting plate coming out of the TGIF kitchen are as likely as Jesus showing up on my toasted hamburger bun. Nil. 

In a place that worships the trifecta of fat, sugar and salt you can expect only one thing, sensory overload at a level usually served by drug dealers and not a great tasting plate served by a teenager dressed in red and white stripes.

So what do you order in this situation? You order something simple and safe.

Safe, you ask?

Yes, safe.

In this situation I'm trying to survive eating the food not trying to survive the type of situation with the potential to turn a work lunch in to a social disaster which ends with branding one of your coworkers a life long nick name. After reading "Eating Animals " I'm actually afraid for my life because of the commonly found bacteria in the beef supply produced by the meat industry used in these chains. Have you seen where your meat comes from ?

After careful consideration I order the "New" Big Mex Burger.

"Is medium-well fine?" She asks me.

"Cook the shit out of it." I think to myself.

My fate now resides in the kitchen.

Thinking that a burger might have more flavor because of the added Mexican ingredients may have been a pipe dream on my part but it was the adjective "New" in front of the burger name that really intrigued me. Why not get the latest creation from the food geniuses of the Casual Dining Industry and be "wowed" as my colleague suggested?

When the plates arrived I took two solid bites before getting a taste of my burger. It had a vague resemblance of a Cinco de Mayo I spent in a TGIF in the Spring of 1989. You know the kind, lots of care free fun that ended with an epic hangover . There's was nothing memorable to taste in this burger except the carcinogenic flavors of their beef. The melted jack, black bean & corn pico de gallo, lettuce and spicy chipotle mayo that really brings the texture to a mash potato like crescendo. Occasionally you find the taste of a vegetable but mainly experience the burnt tasting beef in a mushy goodness greased by spicy chipotle mayo.

I was totally surprised all right. But not in a good way. In the process of cooking this masterpiece they somehow removed the flavor instead of enhancing it. Unless of course the flavor was never there to begin with but where do you find food  like that?

I had to take out the gem of this dish, the pablano chili, and taste it on its own to see where its flavor had gone. I thought it was a real chili but had to confirm it with a clean taste. Yes, if you try real hard, you can taste a chili but not like one you would find off Federal Blvd during hatch season. This was more like a steamed green bell pepper.

The fries were mushy and devoid of taste sans the special seasoning they shake across them like a powdered doughnut.

When I asked a colleague at the table what he thought of his dish, he responded with 

"Well its big, got lots of stuff and bacon. I like it." He said with a smile.

Notice how taste was third on the list of how he rates his dish. What is wrong with America when someone rates their dish on how full it makes them and not how it tastes?

As we walked out the door I heard many of them say "I'm so full." and yet I was feeling empty inside. My stomach was in pain but somehow I remember tasting nothing. This kind of eating is about substance not taste and just like the reality tv show, Jersey Shore , you get no redeeming value but you can't stop watching it.

The Butcher Block Cafe

Walking in to The Butcher Block Cafe on 38th & Brighton would be the last thing on your mind when passing by. Everything abut its low-key truck stop demeanor tells you to go somewhere else. Well, being the adventurous type I am, I occasionally will walk in to about anyplace in hopes of finding a hidden dining treasure. The only treasures here are the ones for sale along the walls of the place. Yep, at the Butcher Block Cafe you can get yourself a burger and shop the garage sale scattered about on different shelves. Truly an experience.

The signature Block Buster Burger comes with a large 1/2 pound burger sitting on a 6 inch bun toped with lettuce, tomato and onion. Along side comes a healthy portion of fries. For $6.50 you are getting a meal but don't expect a colorful experience like you get on the walls of garage sale items. The burger is average to good but a bit too much bun for the meat to handle. You should go for the double 1/4 pounder instead so you can get a smaller bun. The slightly under cooked fries are thin cut and pale. A bit too mushy for my taste.

The special of the day was meatloaf in brown gravy served with the soup of the day. The Bean soup was good for a diner but resembled a bowl of refried beans. The meatloaf was about what you get in a Swanson dinner, average and meant to fill your belly.

Supposedly known for their great cinnamon rolls, it had to be experienced. Served warm with a heart-stopping amount of melted butter it was an impressive looking roll. A bite in to it reveals the texture of cake and the taste of banana bread. Not the most memorable experience but not a terrible treat.

If you happen to be passing by and in the mood for a burger and a yard sale, stop in and take a look at the sale selection. If you are looking for a hidden treasure of a great burger, drive elsewhere.

The Breakfast King

Hitting the Breakfast King on Sante Fe after a late night show in Denver is an old tradition for those who like to play in the city after dark. Ordering a dinner at 2am can however leave you wondering how this place has stayed open for so long.

Walking in, the bright orange 1967 decor will give you the kind of jolt you get when ordering a Starbucks Double Shot. Also from 1967 is the menu of diner classics like chicken fried steak and burgers. Despite its name I was in the mood for dinner and per the waitress' suggestion ordered the fried chicken plate which comes with soup or salad and a side of greens.

Starting with one of the soups of the day, Navy Bean soup, I was soon settling in for a walk on the bland side. Not much to taste there in the small cup of primarily white bean soup. A couple of chunks of ham were the highlights of this otherwise silent dish.

The fried chicken plate arrived in a timely manner with three pieces of golden chicken, a side of green beans and hash browns. (I know, the hash browns just sounded good when she read the choices for a side.) The green beans were slight mushy and reminiscent of a canned adventure my mother use to serve. The hash browns were nothing spectacular and as good as it gets for a diner. Biting in to the chicken soon brought the meal to a frozen halt, literally. The chicken was still frozen in the center. Outside the chicken was almost hot but apparently the frozen chicken was not in the fryer long enough to get it up to temp.

When I flagged down the waitress and explained that green house gasses had started melting the polar ice caps but had not reached my chicken she quickly removed the plate and had a new order in for me without hesitation like a seasoned professional.

The replacement plate of a double deluxe cheese burger was at least cooked but not much of a tasty ride. Served with a side of thick fries I sampled the short cuts which looked like the remains from the bottom of the bag. Not a signature dish for the Breakfast King.

The Breakfast King is no royal meal but simple diner food with nothing to highlight.

Its too bad the food doesn't match up to its decor.  Next time I'll try the breakfast.

My Brother’s Bar

If you live here long enough you eventually find yourself at one of the oldest bars in Denver, My Brother’s Bar , for lunch. Having a long history on 15th and Platte of burgers and beer it has become an institution of Denver's LoDo area despite its consistently poor service.

The first thing you will encounter when arriving here is the smell of fried food and the sounds of classical music. Inside, the ambience of the dark heavily wooded decor will either warm or depress you which I find the main reason people keep coming back. The burgers are decent but My Brother’s Bar has a nostalgic feel that will take you back in time when Denver was a cow town and LoDo was a bad area to be in. The bar is small but beautiful and filled with many good choices in beer. The patio out back is a great place for happy hour drinks or lunch on a summer day.

Sticking with the basics when ordering food will keep you smiling while enjoying the old posters and paraphernalia. The basics are burgers and they are why most come here to eat. They will satisfy your craving for a diner style greasy burger and can be ordered single or double but I find the single does the job just fine when ordered with a side. All burgers come with a tray of condiments where you can add to your hearts desire pickles, onions and peppers if you like.

The Johnny Burger is a good start topped with swiss, jalepeño, cheddar cheese and grilled onions. This cheesy mouthful is a surprisingly good burger to eat for lunch but may slow you down later at the office. A unique burger for a unique place.

The fries are basic but too thick and mushy for my taste. Other unique alternatives are The Ralphie Burger made from buffalo and the Ticky Turkey, a pleasant change from the burgers if you like turkey sandwiches.

Overall this is more greasy spoon than bar food and its old charm will keep you coming back for burgers or a beer at the bar.

Patrick Carroll’s

I'm not one to usually give any kind of rant on a pub but what I encountered at Patrick Carroll’s on Tennyson really got me thinking.

While watching some football I ordered the Pub Burger to go with the many beers I was drinking. Just your basic straight burger. No bacon, no blue cheese crumbles, just a nice thick piece of meat on a bun for my football watching pleasure.

When the nice waitress brought my burger to the table I noticed what seemed to be the obligitory set of vegtables for your burger, lettuce, tomato and onion. What was really next to my burger was a frilly lettuce leaf, a few strands of onion and a thick pink slice of something they call a tomato.

Now, the burger tasted fine and I might even go so far as to say tasting good but the pink thing on my plate was really disgusting. I couldn't take my eyes off it and I wondered who in their right mind would serve a pink tasteless tomato in the peak of tomato season? I've been enjoying fantastic sweet tomatoes from the garden for the last month and when I saw this round pink eye staring at me on my plate I couldn't comprehend putting that in my mouth.

So, per the usual, I waved the waitress over and told her that who ever orders the food here should be ashamed of serving this in the middle of tomato season. She told me she was from the midwest and understands how depressing the slice looks. She then shrugged and said “Well it's a restaurant.”

I thought to myself, “Hmmm, I seem to know a lot of restaurants in the neighborhood that use fresh ingredients and many that buy local from the farmers here in Colorado.”

I just don’t get it. When did eating at a restaurant or a pub make it all right and even acceptable to be served sub-par food and expect us to pay for it? Going out to eat is expensive and I expect good food when I pay for it. Otherwise why would I pay for it?

I can only assume they use some type of SYSCO food service that brings in ”vegetables” from anywhere in the world at the cheapest price just to fill a space on my plate. Yuck.

People, lets not forget were ordering food when we go out to eat and not a commodity.

LoHi Steakbar

After Northstar split from the corner of 32nd & Tejon many were disappointed in losing a nieghborhood hangout. Well, new comer LoHi Steakbar has taken the space and beef is what's for dinner.

Despite its upscale appearance they remain low key like the neighborhood and serve up lots of red meat at reasonable prices. My $19 cut of Filet Mignon was cooked to perfection and tasted like a great steak should. The Blue Smoke burger was not as exciting as some would say but makes a confident burger. If your date is looking to impress you by eating light she may be disappointed as there are only two salads on the menu. She will however be happy to nibble off your plate since almost every dish gets a heaping pile of crispy frites and are cooked just right.

When the need for meat arises, LoHi delivers.

Highland Tavern

After visiting the Highland Tavern for a while for late night drinks and ping pong matches they informed me they would now be serving food. So I went back to give it a try. I know what your thinking, quit picking on the little guys. Well, to stay true to form I'll give it to you straight.

I sampled a few snack plates to gauge what they had to offer. The Beef Shank Perogie was good and reminiscent of my friend's grandma's perogies she used to make. The cheese tots seemed to be breaded in Penko. Interesting. The Little Fatties are their own version of the popular slider burger but are nothing like the typical frozen version served at most pubs. These guys are the real deal and taste great.

Overall the food is not bad for a tavern and I would eat there again while spinning ping pong balls and beers.