T.G.I. Friday’s

I know what your thinking, why the hell is the Denver Food Snob at TGI Friday's? Occasionally you find yourself in an office situation where a group of colleagues drag you to a horrible chain restaurant known not for its food but for the iconic appearances it makes in our movies. How much flair do you wear?

Yes, occasionally you find yourself in these situations not by choice but more of a strategy of keeping friends and participating in major society. Of course, as a known food snob in the office, someone in the group will ask "What if you were totally surprised and it was awesome?". Everyone knows you can't slap tomato sauce on cardboard and expect a pizza. The same applies in an industry known for using sub-par processed ingredients. The chances of a great tasting plate coming out of the TGIF kitchen are as likely as Jesus showing up on my toasted hamburger bun. Nil. 

In a place that worships the trifecta of fat, sugar and salt you can expect only one thing, sensory overload at a level usually served by drug dealers and not a great tasting plate served by a teenager dressed in red and white stripes.

So what do you order in this situation? You order something simple and safe.

Safe, you ask?

Yes, safe.

In this situation I'm trying to survive eating the food not trying to survive the type of situation with the potential to turn a work lunch in to a social disaster which ends with branding one of your coworkers a life long nick name. After reading "Eating Animals " I'm actually afraid for my life because of the commonly found bacteria in the beef supply produced by the meat industry used in these chains. Have you seen where your meat comes from ?

After careful consideration I order the "New" Big Mex Burger.

"Is medium-well fine?" She asks me.

"Cook the shit out of it." I think to myself.

My fate now resides in the kitchen.

Thinking that a burger might have more flavor because of the added Mexican ingredients may have been a pipe dream on my part but it was the adjective "New" in front of the burger name that really intrigued me. Why not get the latest creation from the food geniuses of the Casual Dining Industry and be "wowed" as my colleague suggested?

When the plates arrived I took two solid bites before getting a taste of my burger. It had a vague resemblance of a Cinco de Mayo I spent in a TGIF in the Spring of 1989. You know the kind, lots of care free fun that ended with an epic hangover . There's was nothing memorable to taste in this burger except the carcinogenic flavors of their beef. The melted jack, black bean & corn pico de gallo, lettuce and spicy chipotle mayo that really brings the texture to a mash potato like crescendo. Occasionally you find the taste of a vegetable but mainly experience the burnt tasting beef in a mushy goodness greased by spicy chipotle mayo.

I was totally surprised all right. But not in a good way. In the process of cooking this masterpiece they somehow removed the flavor instead of enhancing it. Unless of course the flavor was never there to begin with but where do you find food  like that?

I had to take out the gem of this dish, the pablano chili, and taste it on its own to see where its flavor had gone. I thought it was a real chili but had to confirm it with a clean taste. Yes, if you try real hard, you can taste a chili but not like one you would find off Federal Blvd during hatch season. This was more like a steamed green bell pepper.

The fries were mushy and devoid of taste sans the special seasoning they shake across them like a powdered doughnut.

When I asked a colleague at the table what he thought of his dish, he responded with 

"Well its big, got lots of stuff and bacon. I like it." He said with a smile.

Notice how taste was third on the list of how he rates his dish. What is wrong with America when someone rates their dish on how full it makes them and not how it tastes?

As we walked out the door I heard many of them say "I'm so full." and yet I was feeling empty inside. My stomach was in pain but somehow I remember tasting nothing. This kind of eating is about substance not taste and just like the reality tv show, Jersey Shore , you get no redeeming value but you can't stop watching it.

GB Fish & Chips

Checking out the new GB Fish & Chips on Sheridan Avenue I was impressed by the great view of Sloans Lake and the CIty. It looks like a promising patio spot for afternoon drinks in the summer. The decor is nothing to write about and it is quite small inside making it hard to find somewhere to sit down if you have more than two people in your party. It seems more like a bar with its table top sitting areas, TVs and community style tables than somewhere to eat. The smell of the fryer soon reminded me of why I was here and I placed my order at the register and waited for my name to be called.

Buying a Boddingtons to go with my fish & chips was the obvious choice and a good beer to serve. Pouring it in a plastic cup however is a big negative and not how I like to drink my English beer.

Once they called my name I went to pick up my order of the full Cod meal of Fish & Chips with Crisps. When the man behind the counter handed me a bag of crisps to go with my cod I thought I heard a needle scratch on a record. Why would you serve a bag of chips when you have fryers back there cooking everything else on the menu including the fires? Especially for the same price as the fries? "No thanks, I'll take the Chips." I told him. What good is going somewhere to eat when the food is already wrapped in a bag and probably old?

Once I got in to my cod I found them nothing to rave about. They were average and sometimes chewy. There's nothing worse than chewing on fish. I tried them with the tartar sauce and it did not help matters, especially the chewy part. Splashing some malt vinegar on them at least let me temporarily imagine I was back in England for a moment.

The Chips (fries) were a big disappointment also. When I say big, I mean they were huge wedges that were mushy and not very appealing unless you were two years old. A taste of the Coleslaw gave me a gib surprise. By far the best thing I've tried so far and actually tastes good. It was not too creamy and had a fresh taste to it. Unfortunately you can't eat an entire meal of coleslaw and beer unless you live in the south.

I would say the food was a big disappointment and the only reason you would find me back there would be to have a beer and sit on the patio. Perhaps the South Broadway location serves better food but this one has a long way to go.

The Hornet

Always a scene, Broadway has long been a great place for night life, shopping and dining and The Hornet , with its big windows, is a always great place to sit and watch the colorful locals while enjoying a cocktail. Because of its convenient location next to the Myan theater it also seems like the perfect place for a bite before a movie.

Despite being surrounded by the hipsters of the Baker District , I was shocked to hear the lady at the table next to me, dressed in lime colored sweats and hat, order an extra side of Ranch Dressing for her fries. Ranch dressing? Really people? Its not the wonder condiment to be used on everything from fries to pizza. It’s a dressing. Use it on a salad if you have to but don't throw it all over your food like the end of a porn movie. Disgusting.

After settling my stomach with a Great Divide Titan IPA I asked the waitress what the best dishes were. Very helpful, she showed me some of the more popular plates and also demonstrated a good knowledge of the wine selection.

When the Shells and Cheddar with lobster, bacon and cream plate arrived I found the pasta cooked well but the cheese covered shells first hid any sign of the tasty proteins I was waiting for. Digging further, I finally pulled up some lobster like a long awaited pod on the Deadliest Catch and just as disappointing as the show, the lobster brought nothing to the dish and was lost in the cheesy sea. When the lobster did show up it was often because of its fishy taste which revealed its sub-par quality. This is a worthwhile plate at higher end restaurants but not for the Hornet. Using a low grade lobster brings it down and you ask “Why bother?”.

The Zorba plate, ordered for its exotic sounding name and Colorado lamb, was a promising looking plate and I'm always looking for food made with local ingredients. Served in a pita with spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes, feta chees and cumin yogurt, it looked like an appetizing plate. The lamb was coked well but lacked the memorable flavors of a mediterranean dish. Besides the much needed spices the rest of the ingredients were lack luster and offered little help to the pita.

Served on the side were the sweet potato fries. Finally something I could get my mouth around. The fries were cooked just right and tasted great. Although they got cold fast I enjoyed them and would recommend you try it as your chosen side. I would bypass the chipotle ketchup that is served with it as it overpowers the fries and leaves them screaming for attention under the smoky flavor.

The Hornet is a great place to meet friends for drinks but don't expect much from the kitchen. I do appreciate those who strive for originality but I give thanks to those who know where to draw the line at what they can do well.

Brasserie Felix

Walking in to the Brasserie Felix, on the corner of 39th & Tennyson, I was pleasantly surprised by the décor. It doesn't scream Paris like some cheap wannabes, but subtly transforms you from NW Denver and in to a French bistro. Keeping it simple and letting the food do the talking sounds like a good strategy to me.

The waiter was a bit tardy for his first trip to the table but soon made up for it with his candor and good suggestions for wine. Sipping on a nice $12 glass of Pinot Noir, I took in the subtle nature of the place and nibbled on some classic french bread while deciding what to order.

When the waiter brought out the dishes the two top they seated us at was a bit crowded so he quickly stole an empty table next to us and made plenty of room for our dining. A good sign of a professional waiter who is smart and quick to make his customers' experience a good one.

Once on the table, the Les Moules a La Créme et Ricard (which are one pound of P.E.I. mussels with shallots, garlic, Ricard and cream) with frites looked great. The sauce on the mussels was quite nice, a broth of perfect consistency layered with flavors of garlic and Ricard. That experience came to a grinding halt however when the crunching sound in my head alerted me to the sand in my mussels and suddenly made them unappealing. For $15.95 they can afford to clean the mussels. The frites however were just right. Thin, crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. I could have eaten baskets of those all evening with another glass of Pinot. Maybe three.

The Le Steak Frites (a grilled flatiron steak with fries and lemon tossed baby greens) with the option of a red wine shallot reduction sounded like a French delight when I ordered it and was highly anticipated given my love for a good steak. Correctly cooked and bathing in the reduction sauce with mushrooms, the steak was average with a grainy mushy texture. A big disappointment for $19.95. Next to the poor cut of meat was a wilted side of baby greens. Obviously suffering sun burn from a heat lamp or something while waiting for its lousy partner on the plate. Except for the frites, the dish was a mediocre plate of failed ingredients.

All in all I would go back to Brasserie Felix and try some other menu options as the salads and some of the seafood entrees looked tempting.